Sometimes, I think we favor who we want to like and to be liked back based on personal reasons. Others that could have treated us better were not given fair chances. Or maybe it’s just me. I realized that I basically “reserve” myself for the one that I like and block out others that according to some, who will definitely treat me better. But to certain point, I will doubt if I’ve actually made the reasonable choice. My grandma told me that I should look for someone who loves me more than I do towards him. Safer for me, I think. I’m currently seeing someone on a regular basis, someone whom I like. The thing is, I think we don’t want things to involve too personally. Therefore, I always feel like there’s a Berlin wall built between us. I enjoy the companionship but I’m afraid that I would slowly neglect the distance supposed to be maintained between us and cross over to the other side. It sounds scary and I don’t want him to think that I’m giving him pressure if I tell him this. He told me that I don’t think like a 22 year old girl, that I’m very matured in that sense. Is it? I don’t think so. I can be as childish as I could be when it comes to things like this. I’ve actually decided not to think about it too much and take things as it comes. I want to think so, but I just can’t. This time, it’s so different from the usual, it makes me think and I hate it. On the other hand, I’ve been telling everyone that I won’t go back to my previous relationships. Lately, I realized that I might. The things that he did, every words and every actions taken by him to win me back has starting to change the way I looked at him. He seemed so affected by the whole break-up thing and had suddenly decided to take an 180⁰ change with himself. I know that people don’t just change like that, even if they do, it will only be for a while. I don’t sound like myself if I say this, but I think he could have changed for a better. Hence, here I am, loosing my sleep because of these and staying up late to blog simply because I really need to write it out.

did i mention that my ex has got me a jack russell? so cute! added points to that. why is it that he always answers to my needs? whether or not it is coincidence, i need help and he IS there. i kinda like the other boy but i don't think he could give me what i really want; i need to reach for a balance here! Can the outside love make up to my lack of family love? I just wanted a shoulder to lean on when i feel like the whole world comes tumbling down on me. shoulder 1? shoulder 2? need. to. sleep.