i am that bored to be blogging twice in few hours time. you tube has definitely grab hold of the boyfriend attention lately. every night - non failing- i would be hearing some foreign language song (not supposed to be foreign to me since it's hokkien and if you didnt know, i'm a hokkien. failness, as diane would say). anyways, here's a story of heartbreak:

me: if you can, take leave on the 31st oct.
the dumb bf: why?
me: *paused*
the dumb bf: why?
me: cause it's a special day.
the dumb bf: *as if not dumb enough* what day?
me: our anniversary *disappointed*
the dumb bf: *thinking* yea... if you havent brought it up, i've totally forgot about it.
me: *silence*

the rest of the story goes by the dumb bf feeling amazed how time flies and it's been a year already. how is this possible? what gives him the right to forget about such important date and act as if it is not a big issue that he had FORGOTTEN about it. karma, now i believe in it. somehow, i would like to believe that maybe if i havent mentioned about it, he would have eventually remember it, at least on that day itself. surprise me and then i would note down the day as one of my happiest day in my life. as long as i've known him, the day wouldnt be anywhere close to what i've expected.

so i tried to make me feel better by thinking that maybe he's too busy with his work and all that he hasnt got much time left to care about all these small little details of our relationship. but it's not small, is it? in the end, no matter how many lame excuses i've tried to think behalf of him, it still bothers me. so i told myself, why think about it then? pretty amazing aint it, us human? we knew it would hurt us, and yet, we wont stop ourselves from doing it.

------------earlier just now--------------
him: i might want to go clubing with my friends later.
me: okay, go ahead. then i might go somewhere myself too. (not wanting to feel lonely in the house)
him: where you want to go and who you're going out with?
me: not sure yet, some friends maybe.
*phone call*
him: i'm not going out anymore.
me: why?
him: cause if i go, you're going out with guys.
me: they're just friends.
him: no.

i really gave up. i have to practically force him to go out with his friends and in exchange, i told him that i'll stay home so he can stop worrying about me. he insisted on staying home with me in the end. even simple things like this has it's way of proving things, proving that our relationship is really not stable. that he doesnt trust me, that maybe i wasnt "trustable";

him: every friday when you go clubing with your friends, i didnt say anything, did i?
me: no, what are you trying to say? i'm stoping you from going out but you didnt?
him: yes. that's how i see things are right now.
me: i didnt stop you, i've even begged you to go out, what do you want me to do?
him: now i really dont feel like going out. just now i knew if i've went out, you wouldnt have liked it.
me: i swear i would not.
him: i know you too well.

excuse you. if i havent stop talking after that, we would have gotten into another fight. i've known it all too well now, it's either i really fight for what i think is right, and get us start arguing; or me giving in, and everything will be fine. so either ways, it would seemed like i'm the fire starter, i am ALWAYS the one starting the whole argument. definitely nothing is wrong with arguing sometimes, i mean it's normal that we have different opinion about something. but i hate it every single time in the end of the argument, i have to get away from him and he would apologize for what ever the reason is.

i've realised that throughout out relationship, i've complained more than i've enjoyed it. i mean it's kinda obvious when i've complained most of the time than blogging about the happy times i had with him. arash asked me a lot of times before this, if i was THAT unhappy being with him, why am i still with him? i never did able to answer him. it is then followed by the many maybe-s. the truth is, i will never know for sure who's right and who's wrong so i wouldnt want to make any blind decisions that i will regret later on. i'm a coward.

and the coward wants to sleep now. stout makes me sleepy.