YESTERDAY: as i was sitting in the car, listening to the sound of clattering keys with some unfamiliar voices over the radio; i looked to my right, he wasn't there. of course he wasn't, he was outside filling in air for the tyres. haha. the many uneventful events that happened today got me into alot of thinking. he said i'm very different today, not very myself at all. yes, i happened to notice that too. i looked at him and thought, we've really came a long way. we've been through more than a couple who'd stayed together for 5 years. the honeymoon period slowly turns into a boring tale, and now, with the added flavors of meaningless arguments, things has gone from bad to worst. though i still very much miss the kind of feeling when i think he meant the whole world to me, how happy we were together (and still am some-times) that makes the rest of the happenings in the world seems like nothing, how he used to looked me in the eye and utter the words that makes me think that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. but the fact is, no one is the one.


TODAY: exhaustion and tiredness can really cause one to behave like a jerk. in this case, i'm talking about my full time. seriously, i felt like i've been blamed most of the time for things that i didn't do and that feeling, obviously sucks. he has this temper issue and lately, i am the victim. this is what happened just now; supposedly we went to the airport to get his brother around 11ish. he was obviously tired from work and i am not in my best mood as well. so we didn't talk much on the way there. on our way back, there's this "awas, pemeriksaan polis" out of nowhere. so yeap, it was the speed trap thingy and yes, his car's on the list. there's pretty much nothing we could do to prevent mr nicey-no-rasuah police to issue the speeding ticket. after that, the mixture of weariness and anger has totally gotten the hold of him. he started giving me such hard time confronting his sarcasm and made everything seems like it's my fault. yeah, i forced him to speed and yes, i could foresee the speed trap thingy and made a wise choice of not telling him. such bullshit, it is. maybe i'm just being over sensitive over stuff because i do admit that i'm not in my best behavior as well. still. nevermind.

i used to take everything that has anything to do with our relationship very personally. now, it seems like i don't want to care anymore. i'm so tired of all these crap. i've made a choice of not caring sub-consciously. i'm not saying that i don't appreciate what he has done for me and still am doing for me now, i am just falling out of love. yes, i believe that's the same feeling i had near the end of a relationship. the thing is i am not even sure anymore if i still loved him the way i used to last time. there's a thin line between being in love and simply just feeling "used-to" a relationship. whatever is it, i don't wanna think about it anymore now especially when i have unclear mind. just, whatever.