I was just wondering whether or not it is true that we can simply “switch off” a feeling for somebody that easily. Someone came up with the word “fling” for a reason. But I’m quite sure that it’s more than that. I like him, pretty much. Somehow, I know and he knows that we’re not cut out to be couple. We’re both commitment phobic, I guess it’s scary when I see there is so much similarity with the both of us. Maybe we just like each other’s company that much that it sometimes confuses our feeling. Perhaps I’m thinking way too much. I cared a lot for his feelings, or maybe that is just an excuse I gave myself for pulling away to protect myself from getting hurt. I don’t know anymore. So I chose to push those thoughts and perhaps, those feelings to the back of my mind. I don’t miss him that much anymore when I don’t see him, I even have self-control of not seeing him too much. Then he has to come and tell me that he really wants to spend more time with me and there goes all my effort, out the window. Talking to him more had definitely got him open up himself more to me now. He tells me things that mean so much to him, although some I really do not wish to know. Like how he still likes this girl etc… I have to admit that I did my selective listening when it comes to topics like that. I hate it when it hurts me that much to listen to him. On the other hand, I’m glad he did. So I really don’t know what I want from him, what I want from myself, and what do I really want from us.

by the way, I've just came back from Penang. Shall upload the pictures in the next post.

I was just browsing through all the pictures in my laptop. I’ve changed a whole lot within the past year. And then I tell myself, “Hey, my life isn’t that boring after all!” No, I have a life well-lived (by far). I’ve got onto almost every high-ride I could get my hands on, crashed one or two along the way, but got safe to where I am in the end of the day. Through all these, I’ve learn to appreciate more. I know now who my close friends are. I know pretty well that it’s no harm trying something new as long as it doesn’t hurt others. I know that much that I am my own responsibility.

Having too much of something is never good. Doing things in routine is not good. I’m not indicating that being organized or somewhat is bad, it’s just that we’re still, nevertheless, human. Robots were built to be organized, to do things in routine. Not human, simply because we have our own mind. I’m still figuring out when will my time come, to break free of all these and go travel around the world in 80 days perhaps? I’ve watched warlords and its uberly awesome. I like how it is that you’re sometimes in a situation where the right thing to do is not always going to be correct one. Defying morality because of rules, there’s a thin line between right and wrong. I love it when there’s no definite way-out for things, then we are forced to choose. The result is often, based more on personal preferences more than the fixed rules; which is relatively more interesting.

Now listening: The Automatic - Monster

Here I am, lying on the bed trying so hard to fall asleep and yet, I can’t. The soothing and dreamy sound of Beirut hasn’t put me to sleep yet. Instead, I’m thinking. First thing’s first, I must be able to start working latest by January, next year. This is because *thunder strikes!* my dad has decided that he will not give me anymore allowance starting next month. That itself had made me uberly sad. Pressure’s on. Anyway, that was one thing.

Another thing is that loneliness had finally befriended me. All these while I thought as long as I have my friends, loneliness wouldn’t get a chance being anywhere nears me. But as a matter or fact, I’ve been living in denial. He’s always been there ever since I left my ex; I just chose not to acknowledge him. Now that I spent more time with myself, I’ve open up a bigger space for him to be near me. Maybe I should start going out on a date with myself, keep me busy so I won’t have time to think about it. It’s an idea. Just when I’m feeling at most depressed about myself, my ex came back and he got me thinking for a moment there that maybe I should give him another chance. Luckily consciousness prevented me from giving in. Or should I say unlucky? I don’t know. I still miss having someone to spend time with me doing absolutely nothing and feeling extremely comfortable about it. Reality sucks!

Getting back to the actual reason to why I can’t seem to fall asleep is that I was imagining things. What if I got cancer or some other deadly deceases? I need to prepare my speech before hand on how to break the news to people that I cared dearly about. Why do we speak about dying so easily when we’re alive? And when the time actually comes, will we still be able to leave that easily? Another question that will make me looses my sleep for another hour or so. That’s basically what I usually think about when you see me stoning in the middle of a conversation. Useless stuff but yet it got me thinking, I’m just curious.

Done with the somewhat nonsense thoughts, perhaps I should think about what my father had told me to think: “maybe it’s time for you to be serious about everything, including finding your soul-mate”. A little bit too early, I supposed? If I could ever fail anything in life, it would most probably be relationship. *touch wood* I have quite a few choices now (saying as if like I’m picking out clothes… bleh!).

1. My seemed-to-have-never-given-up ex. Come to think of it, he does always have been there for me when I needed someone; even so when I don’t need anyone. Well, he can’t be perfect I guess. I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but he realizing his mistakes and trying so hard to fix things again somehow will find its way into my heart again. I can never be so sure about not accepting ex for the second time around now.

2. My party cum drinking buddy Jeff. Everybody likes new things and he is, well, new. He’s two years younger than me (oh no! juvenile!), what’s wrong with me and all the younger guys? I told myself that this is definitely impossible right from the beginning. Even if things were bound to happen, it’s just going to be purely for fun, no more beyond that. Somehow, things got out of hand and I think I do like him once I got to know him. I start to feel so comfortable being around him. Extra point, he knows exactly what he wants to do with life. I admire that.

3. My DJ “best friend” (name must not be revealed incase he read this, as if he don’t know already). I can easily be attracted by older guys. They seemed more matured and caring in many ways. I’m fascinated by him, his taste in movies, music, and everything else about him mesmerized me. (damn, sounding like a stalker) This is the first time a guy had actually cooked a proper meal for me so I’m forever grateful for that (a bit of exaggerating but it’s my first time ;p). The problem is that we’re both having commitment issues, and that I’m not even sure anymore what he wants, what I want, what’s happening? So I’ve decided to just let things be. See where it will lead us.

4. My friend’s brother. This is so weird; I cannot even imagine us being together. This one I’m sure I only liked him as a friend, probably because he knows exactly what kind of person I am so quickly. When I’m saying this, I only meant the “party me”. So yes, he’s definitely my “vitamins” buddy.

5. My longest-time-a-guy-has-ever-came-after-me, considered. Ferdinand is his name. He’s been there to witness me breaking up with 2 of my boyfriends and each time when I broke up, he’ll pop the question. Unfortunately, the answer has been the same ever since = no. I really appreciate him being there for me, I really do.

6. I categorized the majority here as those who wanted only sex from me, go screw yourself elsewhere. pardon my language. I meant it though.

I really have to intention of choosing any right now. I’m pretty much enjoying my single life now (except for times when I’m dead bored). We’ll just see how things will go from here, I like surprises!