under the influence of a lot, and when i say a lot, i meant A LOT of substanstances, i can barely differentiate what's real and what's not anymore. it has totally fucked up my memories, and injected a huge dose of paranoia. i fear looking into the mirror without thinking that my reflection will turn into a horrible creature or something. most of all, i fear being alone cause i feel weak and vulnerable when i do. a part of me wanted to go and find out what really had happened the other day when all these started to happened to me, but a minor part of me doesnt want to. i dont want to know if all the hallucinations turned out to be the truth. well, here's my mind wandering off somewhere again.

anyways, i'm watching disney channel. the little mermaid, the lobster thingy named sebastian is really annoying the hell out of me now. i remembered that i used to adore that character alot last time, well, things had changed. i'm not in the mood to write anymore, just need some time on my own, to search for tranquility deep within myself in order to fight off all the darkness surrounding me now. ciao.

two blog entries in a day, yay for myself. actually i was already lying on the bed when suddenly i feel like blogging. the previous blog entry was of an importance cause i usually only blog about my weekends. so here's something new. this has nothing at all to do with the weekends fun i had or am having, or will be having, whatever.

i was closing my eyes, and then i thought to myself. i am happy. maybe it was the substances that causes all these on and off feeling about me being happy with the boyfriend or not. and now when i suddenly realised that i've never came to love him as much as he loves me, i felt lucky. i am happy to be with him throughout odd days, i realised that it was with him that i could be myself, i could do all the silly faces and yet he still tells me that i'm beautiful, i could shout at him all i want on my bad days and all he would do is to looked me in the eye, with a smile reassuring me that everything's going to be ok. i do him wrong, i fucking took him for granted at times, and yet, he made sure that he'll always be there when i needed a hug, a cuddle or even simply a company. he's there beside me all the time and i know that it was my problem that i dont appreciate that as much as others would do. i argued with him for not giving me my personal space and he understood that. it seems like he's always the one giving and i'm always the fucked up person on the other side taking everything from him.

it doesnt bother me now that he snores when he sleeps at night now, i came to know that he was tired. tired of managing his own life and now, mine. i felt that much closer to him now that his knees are directly behind my back. haha. but i'm in my clear mind when i say this, i still need my personal space and am definitely not ready to settle down yet. i guess that's probably why i'm drawing myself further and further away from him. he's trying his best to catch up with my pace and i really dont know how much further will he be running after me before he got so exhausted and decided to give up. if things really doesnt work out in the future, what's important is that i've loved him and he had loved me too. the rest doesnt really matter.

i'm so sick now i could barely feel my fingers on the keyboard as i was typing. i had better go to bed now before i passed out on myself instead. night everybody. love you bbs.

yes, last weekend's party was great. i wasnt having full memories of what exactly happened but as what i could recall, let's just called it wild fun. anyways, me just going to blog about what i remembered. okay. friday night we went to tag, with the usual gang, well, except that this time charles and ian was there too. thanks charles and ian so much for giving me a ride there and i think my heels were still in ian's car. when we reached, well, let me just skip all the drama part and go to the fun part. anyways, it wasnt twilight actiongirl playing at first so the music was kinda off the 60s or something. didnt really like it so me, charles and ian went down to the mainroom to kick start the groove (sounded so wrong but heck!) yes, the music was way better and we were shaking our booties like nobody's business.

after a while, we went up to loft to look for the others and yea, i kinda forgot what happened afterwards. anyways, we went to rob's place for after party and the sucky part was sven had rob's key to the apartment and he was sleeping inside so we were locked outside. alot of things went on and about, charles was with his camera, and we were camera whoring throughout all the waiting time while diane's laying there like a dead fish (sorry, but yea, you kinda looked like one at the moment. lol) so we went in atlast, and party like hell. and the rest was all too implicit to be told in public blogs. so i'm just gonna skip all the details again, and there it was, the weekend.

p/s: charles, i want the pictures!!

let's see, friday nights. we went to our usual hangout which is *drum roll* zouk loft. the crowd wasn't that good yesterday. i saw the regulars and a few new faces. anyways, half way through the dullness of sitting and just drinking, happiness strikes! woohoo! it was fun, as usual. i had vague memory of what really happened yesterday due to the little dose of happiness.

what really annoys me was that i had this person calling me like a million times to my cell when i was happily dreaming away. well, actually it was not a happy dream, i cant really recall what it was but it is a very tragic and sad dream. anyways, back to the annoyance, apparently we met in zouk yesterday night and he sent me messages claiming that he misses me and all those shit. i don't know why it annoys me that much, but i am like annoyed, like really really annoyed. guess i made my point there now. and yes, another guy named kian apparently messages me too saying that we met in zouk last night as well. asking how am i doing and all the cow-dung.

okay, maybe i'm overacting about these. i'm just gonna take a deep breath and just ignore them =) good good. that'll be all about my friday. till next week, ciao!